9th
Overload.
Inevitably, it seems that these days someone is always annoyed with me and my inability to do things faster. And I’m annoyed with myself, but also my life at large.
I have a new short film that I want to campaign around, but I haven’t had time to seriously look at festival submissions, much less edit a trailer for it. It’s done though, all 25 minutes of hilariousness.
I have two porn films that I have the green light for, but haven’t moved forward on. I have a script to write, casting to do, locations to solidify.
I have a literary agent but haven’t written any pages of my book-to-be.
Teaching at Rutgers is taking up 20+ hours of my week, and I’m sinking under the pressure. I don’t think I’m doing it justice, I’m not sure how to fix it. I need recommendations for videos/multimedia stuff I can screen/use. I’m drawing a blank on what’s out there.
I can’t get to my email in a timely way. Some corrspondence moves to the top of the pile, the rest takes a week or more to respond to. I’m sorry, but I can’t feel bad about it anymore. Sometimes email helps move my “real” work along, other times I get tangled in it and never get to my other work.
I’m making enough money to live, but not enough to feel stable. Not enough to hire people to help me, which I would love to do.
I don’t know how to fix this. I should get interns or something but my experience with that this past spring wasn’t great, and proved that I’m terrible at delegating my duties, and terrible at following up (had potential interns, couldn’t figure out job for them; had one actual intern, had trouble delegating to her). I need to stop being such a control freak because this isn’t sustainable.
I need to take up projects that will yield something more concrete (like cash) instead of prestige and good press clips. I’m a driven, obsessive loner. I don’t have a team. I need to make one. I need to learn to play with others. Otherwise, what’s crankiness about my availablilty is going to turn into a bad reputation for taking on too much and not getting shit accomplished. I don’t want to be that person. I am not that person yet. I don’t feel like I’m drowing, but I need to fix this. I’m not sure how to do it though. Partly because everything I’m working on feels like a priority, I don’t know what I’d drop or who I’d delegate to.
I think this is a cry for help.
